Yoo 333 - Thoughts of a Troubled Sleeper

 I spent most of today (all of the workday) trying to keep my tanger (tired anger) in check. It consumed me. Coding problems that I excitedly tackled yesterday seemed completely insurmountable today and pushed me down. Project deadlines that usually spur me to action made me want to scream and collapse on the floor in a full tantrum. Coworkers I normally revel in spending the day with were pesky moths trying to dive bomb my open door.

Except my door was closed, people. Headphones were on!

I hate being like this. I am a happy person! I'm grateful for my able body and my challenging job with a great company and for my own little condo and for the many, many people I love that love me back. I usually remember these things. They make each day exciting and spontaneous. They remind me that all the ups and downs of this life are experiences I need. They're experiences I wanted from the very beginning.

It's mortality, yo! We're here! We're in the game, being tested and (hopefully) slowly growing into better, more component beings. Proving that we can love and obey and help others do the same. Faithfully striving with the hope that we'll one day be worthy of a pretty terrific hereafter. If you believe in that sort of thing. I sure do.

Oh but this mortal body. Such a strong and able blessing, yet with a myriad of homeostatic balances so easily broken.

(unbalanced house...? it's an attempt at a picture simile...)

It's a constant struggle of different struggles. Right now I'm battling sleep. Sleeping used to be so easy for me! Bed time? Ok, Kyoo was out like a light.

But something has changed in the past month and my body does not know when to sleep. Every other night or so I'll either lie in bed for hours trying to fall asleep, or I'll wake up at 2 in the morning unable to fall back asleep.

I'll try everything, too.

I'll put on soothing music.

I'll eat a small snack when I realize how hungry I am.

I'll drink warm chamomile tea.

I'll count sheep.

I'll count sheep again.

I'll avoid my computer and other light sources.

And then when I get really desperate, I'll turn to books.

Books never used to fail. Especially textbooks and other non-fictions. (non-fictions is unfortunately synonymous with "scriptures" here, sad but true). All would have me heavy-eyed and head-bobbing in less than 5 minutes.

But nothing works anymore.

Last night I was unable to drift back into dream state until after 6 this morning. And then I was a tangry zombie, cursing that 7am alarm and my now unwelcome dreariness.

"Oh, NOW you want to sleep body?? Nice."

It bothers me that something as simple as not getting enough sleep can have such a drastically negative affect on everything that is Kyoo. My mood, my outlook, my motivation, my desire to do and be all things that are goodly, lovely, and praiseworthy.

It's like nothing matters when I'm tired except getting more sleep.

It shouldn't affect me so much, but it does. I guess that's just where I am on my progression to perfection. I get to keep trying to master this mortal body and one day, I'll look back on days like today (and soooooo many other days...) and think "Wow, look how far I've come!".

DISCLAIMER: I did not do anything particularly horrendous today! I just felt horrendous and had a bad attitude that I couldn't shake.

Have a great day :-)