Admit it!
But don't worry. This is zero sketch and all awkward funny. Oh! And a little tragic.
You know how the wedding night is overly romanticized? You're whisked from your reception in a horse-drawn carriage towards the sunset. The puffy clouds form hearts and the birds are carrying "happily ever after" signs. A rainbow is present and unicorns are most definitely prancing around.
Dj scratch...what??
Yeah, that's not how it went for us.
We ran out under a human tunnel. The Greggroom got "good-gamed" by his second cousin.What was supposed to be a Rolls Royce turned into a last minute Hyundai Sonata provided by a sister.
We rollin' is what.
There were cheesy smiles. I mean, is this not one of the most awkward moments in your life? All of your friends and family cheering you off on your honeymoon?? Yeah, never sign me up for that again.
And I must mention the feat of sitting in a car in a wedding dress. Mine wasn't even that big and it still created problems!
And then there's the moment you think you've been waiting for all day. When you finally drive off, alone with your new spouse for the first time.
Except we were on such a wedding high that all we did was gush about everything and interject "THIS IS SO SURREAL" at least every other sentence.
It really is surreal. And it does things to you. Like make you forget it's about 15 minutes faster to take 281 downtown as opposed to I-35.
Almost an hour later we turned in to our Riverwalk hotel. Along with about half of San Antonio. We waited in a long line of cars for all of 20 minutes before pulling up to the valet and being informed that the parking garage was full. That's when he saw me in my wedding dress. And decided he could squeeze us in.
How kind!
Then I stood by the hotel entrance for another 10 minutes while the Greghop gathered all our essentials. Not that I stuck out like a sore thumb or anything, but...
Staring. Gawking. "Congratulations!". More staring. Some pointing.
Rainbows and unicorns, remember? Rainbows and unicorns. And puffy clouds.
The night got even better!
I forgot most all of my luggage in another car. So no toothbrush and no change of clothes and no wallet. Also, was I starving?
The answer is more appropriately stated I WAS STARVING.
Of course I hadn't eaten since breakfast and of course we didn't think to stop anywhere on our way to the hotel. If you're planning a wedding...and this is a duh!...plan to eat. And bring food with you.
The long and the short of it is, I was a food-deprived insomniac clad in my husband's clothes. Your maiden night can't get much more attractive. <-- sarcasm
Room service couldn't get me a pizza for two hours so I put an order in for a 7am breakfast, thinking sleep could overtake hunger.
And it did. But ha! Only for two hours.
The rest of the night was a countdown to 7am. Two am was T-minus 5 hours. A walk around our balcony. Stare curiously at some stranger strolling around the top of a parking garage. Three minutes have gone by. Blow hair out of my face. Watch cars. Lay on the balcony and peer at the one visible star. Is that a star? I think it's moving...another minute closer. Sigh. Read the hotel brochure. Memorize all the emergency exits? Ok. Reread the hotel brochure. Pick up the room service menu. Decide it's food porn. Slip the room service menu under the couch. Clamp eyes shut and forget it exists. Ponder Batman.
Are you in pain yet? I was in pain. All. Night. Long. Time moved tortuously slow. Like, slower than work-time, slow.
I just wanted food! Or sleep!! Why didn't I grab a plate of chicken nuggets?? If only I had a rice crispy treat...
These were my wedding night fantasies.
Meanwhile, my hulk of a husband slept peacefully. Quite content to occupy the whole of a king-sized bed.
This is the part where you don't ask what I ate when that long-anticipated breakfast arrived. Because it may or may not have been 3 (count them) 3 main entrees. Big entrees.
And do you know everyone's response to my wedding story??
"Oh yeah, I tell all marrying couples to remember food on their wedding night."
"I usually pack a plate for them to take!"
No one told us.
Soooooo ladies and gentlemen: prevent hanger. Save a wedding night. Do the right thing. Never let a groom, and especially a bride, go hungry.
Now you know. Now I know. Thank you for your time.
Have a great day :-)
1 comment:
Words cannot describe how thoroughly I enjoyed reading this. :)
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